One of love’s greatest drawbacks is that, for a while at least, it is in danger of making us seriously happy.

∞ 5 notes #Alain De Botton#Love#Relationships#Happiness

Alain De Botton - Essays in love.

4/2/2013 (10:33am) 1 note

whoops!

So yes. I’m not in a relationship, that was an April fools. I thought writing “check the date” may have made it obvious. Never the less I received a few messages of congratulations that seemed sincere & as my laptop is still fucked and I’m confined to using tumblr on my phone I can’t seem to reply to those people. I apologise if you feel a little cheated.

I am still single, I still see photographer (ours is not a relationship where one person would utter the “L” word), I still see her sister occasionally, I still try and get her to fix me up with models and dancer friends and she’s still sleeping with other people…or you can remove the word” other” as we can’t really sleep with each other.

Once again, sorry. Your messages were lovely and when I can I’ll reply personally. Just glad I didn’t go with the “Hey my dick is hard” post I was originally going to do.

Cheekyguy

#relationships#April Fools#Apology#My Dick Still Doesn't Work

As its approaching valentines day I thought I’d offer some themed reading.

Essays in Love - Alain De Botton.

Have a looksie & drink some wine or something. The guys a bit good.

12/15/2012 (8:47pm) 1 note

new toys old vices

Papa Cheeky has a new hands-free device for his mobile phone. This is a big deal for him as anyone who knows him will be able to tell you, he always has this thing in his ear just like the one he had before. Walking around, this 63 year old with a piece of black plastic, highlighted by it’s flashing bright blue light. “Robodad” I once nicknamed him as he never took the fucking thing off. This new one he has has a deliciously unique feature, it calls the last number dialed at random and the other person has the misfortune of hearing whatever my father is doing and no matter how loud you shout down the phone at him he doesn’t hear you so he continues to allow you to listen in until the device hangs up. Meaning mother cheeky got to listen to a 17 minute conversation he had with another woman whilst he was driving her somewhere in his car, which included the following bullet points…

- “No I’ll drop you down the lane.”

- “It’s ok, I don’t mind, it will look suspicious if I drop you on the corner.”

- “Is that him? Is that him (Husband) in the window?

- “I love you.”

- “I love you too.”

…great purchase there dad.

Let me explain something about my folks. Mum is 67 she got herself a toyboy 4 years younger than her. They were 38 and 34 when I was born and by the time father was 41, he had stopped living with us and had moved in with a nurse at the place he worked. They aren’t together now but that was 22 years ago. He stopped seeing her. He has never moved back home. My parents are still married.

Now you can argue various reasons why my mother has never divorced him. The shame of it, her Catholic beliefs, she didn’t want to upset her children or something quaint like the fact she still loves him. I don’t know. It isn’t talked about. All I know is seeing her suffer for 3 quarters of my life is the single most upsetting part of me. He has occasionally tried to make it up to her but throughout it all he has been the same cunt. And now there is proof with this other woman.

I get why people cheat, just about. I don’t think it’s something you can rationalise with common sense or intelligence because I don’t think either of those things are in the persons mind when they cheat. Instead I think they focus on not focusing and make decisions based on how horny they feel without taking other people into account. That’s right isn’t it? I’m probably not describing it well for most of you and if I’m honest I don’t know how to describe it with any accuracy because whilst I kind of ‘get’ it, I don’t get other aspects. For instance how can you not divorce someone who spends over two decades separated because they’re a cunt? How can you knowingly hurt someone you’re supposed to love…twice? How can you jeopardize losing all contact with your three children especially when the youngest is only 7 and will grow up to be one sexy bastard? The real problem is that this isn’t cheating is it? The first time was an affair and he’s been seeing this woman long enough for them to declare their love for each other. An affair takes consideration but when you aren’t spending time with your wife because you sleep in your other house anyway I guess there is more freedom.

This post isn’t really about me. I’m hurt but more for my mother. I know nothing will change between them. If they got divorced I’d welcome it. I still love the two of them but I’ve a definite bond with her over him…probably because I’ve had to sit with her at her most depressed and though I see him every day, he was never here at night, didn’t sleep in the house and still doesn’t. I love her a lot more. She told me she’s had it out with him, wiped the floor and said things she never thought she would. I don’t doubt her, she had 20 years pent up frustration to throw at him and why should the cunt deserve any mercy? I’ve been asked to say nothing to him, to my brother or sister and keep it to myself. I’m good at that (even though there are literally hundreds of people who may read this) it’s one of the best qualities about me that I can keep a secret like nobody else you know. In all fairness, I don’t know what the post is about, I guess it’s just interesting. The guy my mother has stood by for so long without earning that loyalty has once again taken a huge shit on her and were it not for the last hands free ear piece packing up, he wouldn’t have bought a new one, that wouldn’t be faulty, my mother wouldn’t have known and his excuses of “it’s not that serious, I’ve only seen her a few times” wouldn’t have seen the light of day.

I had a dream a year ago, that my father had died and at his funeral I met the woman he’d had the affair with and she was sat where I thought my mother should be, I’d know for the first time what she looked like. Does this dream now have to change? Will I see two women sat there? Maybe a whole fucking row of women. Maybe there will be two funerals, one for family and one for conquests. Who knows, I could meet a step brother, or a step sister…maybe I already have and I’ve fucked her? Shudder shudder shudder. I don’t think it’s too far fetched to think he’s had a double figured tally of women on the side…if he’s anything like me he’d pick up women with ease.

I’m going to end this post just as I began it, with no clear purpose. One thing I do know is that I still owe certain things to my dad. I know I can’t cheat on a person I love, I know I don’t want to be married but certainly if I’m just going to be unhappy and I see the way I want to treat others when I see his alternative.

The troubling thing is my mother always tells me “You know, you’re very similar to your father. You have the same behavior. You’re just like him in so many ways.” and I don’t know how to handle that. It scares the shit out of me.

Cheekyguy

#Daddy Issues#relationships#Cheating#Affair#Head Fuck

7/8/2012 (12:27pm) 5 notes

rules to dating and why you should ignore them

Everyone knows that when you meet someone, flirt and swap numbers that many folks have a pattern. Generally you have to wait two days (roughly) to ring them and set up a date. You can’t set up a date for that night instead you have to put it about three days or so later and then it’s only the usual’s. Coffee, food, a drink etc. If that goes well you end with an arbitrary comment like “This was fun.” and/or “We should do this again.” and then you arrange a second date, you may expect something more suited to your personal tastes, a reflection of the fact you listened to them when you were chatting. A third date may follow and why shouldn’t it after the first two were a success and groomed for you? Here many folks suggest the perfect ending is to kiss or even fuck for the first time.

I’ve heard this formula time and time again. Fuck right off.

The problem is that you push very quickly to a generic approach to dating that becomes formulaic almost robotic. Now of course the journey may be slightly different to this, may alter in content but some of you will have it defined and mapped out to the letter and you are the people I’d love nothing more than to sit down and slap viciously across the face. Just one sudden, stinging red hand to the chops before I scream in your face “stop it, live a little.”

I met a girl in a bar, invited her to another bar, we went there and made out, I went to hers and we fucked. The next day I took her for coffee, we fucked again that day before meeting up two days later. I don’t know how many dates that covers but it was the unconventional start that requires no premeditated rule and lasted several months. If you want a lengthier commitment, my friend met his girlfriend in a threesome! “I didn’t even have the biggest cock” he told me “No he didn’t” she agreed. They went to a party and after a few drinks ended up in bed together within 20 minutes of meeting each other. That was 7 years and 3 children ago. Now you may not dream of meeting your true loves eyes for the first time as they are partially masked by another man’s hairy testicles dangling in the way and I’m aware of that, but the point is those two wouldn’t be together were it not for that. They didn’t take a conventional approach and they just liked each other. “I called him the wrong name a few times and now we have children.” Maybe not the greatest story to tell your children but fuck it…I’ll tell them if they don’t.

The task at hand is to snap you out of the way you believe life must fall around you. There isn’t order to everything and you are not in control of how others behave nor how you relate to another person. You can only discover it. If you find yourself going down a road and you’re happy to keep going then carry on. Don’t try and label it or ask where you’re going nor what is at the end of it. If something pops up and you don’t like the look of it you can easily confront it then or take another road. This is all an unintended metaphor as words spill out of my head and probably more suited for relationships than meeting someone new but I think I’m going to stand by it. Meet someone, fuck them, get there number or whatever you wish to do and please stop worrying about the correct procedure to follow. This is what happens when you go aimlessly through these things and I have to tell you, it’s a lot more relaxed and endlessly fun.

I do get it when people tell me they don’t like to rush into things because they’ve been fucked over in the past and I’m not suggesting you hurt yourself just asking that you make dating slightly more organic. Take away the rules, the waiting periods and all that and you’re left with some alternatives that you enjoy more.

Also, the next time you set up a date, especially a first one, do something completely different. Take the two of you to a zoo, or feed ducks. I once took a girl to play a massive game of hide and seek to find me. It’s random and I threw in a few surprises by getting my mates to do things as she was passing by (I had to buy a few pints but it was worth it) like walking up to her and giving her clues to where I was some were false clues just to make it more fun. Now and then I’d text her to tell her she was getting colder or warmer. It was born out of boredom of the thought of having to go for a coffee with her and the fact I was with friends just before I met with her.

Look at dating as I look at training. If you don’t like the results you’re getting then do things differently. Start today.

Cheekyguy

#Dating#Sex#relationships#Fun

6/2/2012 (6:04pm)

question

Anonymous says…

I never cum and I’m 23. I’ve had boyfriends but so far I’ve got nothing, not even close. Is it them or me? I love your writing btw so just ignore the idiots and keep it up cheekyguy.

Sadly, ‘keeping it up’ is a problem I face daily and as such I face a similar issue to you. We share the burden.

Now wait. When you say ‘never’ do you also mean by yourself? If this is the case there is plenty of effective treatment for anorgasmia depending on the cause. It is incredibly common in women and you’ve nothing to worry about. However embarrassed you may feel, please make an appointment to see your doctor and find what is best for you. I’d feel uneasy outlining treatment partly because I don’t know that much and it would be incredibly irresponsible to make online assessments for anyone. Your doctor is the best choice.

Not the case? I’ve jumped to the wrong conclusion? Fantastic stuff.

First let’s not forget that I’m 29 soon and other than the lack of erection of late, I have never cum from a blow job. This isn’t because I don’t like them, the idea of them but I just don’t find them stimulating. So we don’t stress about that and do what I enjoy.

The problem could be the guys, yours or both of you. Let’s not forget, us men can never know what you feel during sex or foreplay. Some of us can imagine with great detail but we’ll never know, we can only go on experience and your word for it. If you can make yourself orgasm then you should start by being selfish and telling him what to do. This is the fastest route to orgasm and if he can’t follow simple instructions, he’s shit. Get him out of there. You have my blessing.

It’s important for you to feel relaxed. You don’t say that you aren’t enjoying sex but is that the case? Do you like having sex with these guys? Is the entire event just one horrid mess that you dread from first loose button all the way to sleeping in the wet patch? It would be understandable, after not reaching orgasm before this may very well provoke stage fright, in fact I can almost certainly see that being an issue. The more you’re relaxed about it all, take the pressure off yourself then the better. You say “not even close” so let’s start with this. If stroking your clitoris feels good when you do it then get him to start with this. Tell him how you want it done and guide him with it. Believe me, any guy with an ego will be glad to give you your first orgasm. If you explain this is the issue and ask for his help, I can’t see him having any issues whatsoever.

Keep telling him what feels good, it’s important that you find the tempo you like and not that he thrashes a tongue or finger around aimlessly or picks up pace when he thinks is right. You are the boss.

As for actual intercourse don’t panic. Not everybody reaches orgasm every time they fuck some people very rarely. A friend and I were talking about this just the other day, we both talked how we go for a long time and he said that after a while he gets bored long before he is going to get there and so he stops. I’ve stopped and finished myself off (memories) and I can’t even begin to tell you how many girls only cum during sex whilst using their hands on their clit at the same time. Or my hand.

You just need to work out what you do by yourself and then lead the partner to it.

Finally, if you can’t get there from these I must play devils advocate. Are you interested in guys sexually? You could always try ladies.

I know it can be frustrating, believe me I know but It takes a bit of time and practice. I’d suggest taking it less seriously and focusing on finding the fun parts of it. Smile and laugh during, leave trepidation and nerves at the door.

Cheekyguy

Any women got any tips out there?

#question#agony aunt#relationships#sex#orgasms

5/31/2012 (5:03pm) 3 notes

the ‘either/or’ man

This month I’ve posted 100 times. Long posts, some replies to your questions be they religious based or other and the odd picture or video. I didn’t plan on posting a century of awesomeness but something happened purely by chance.

Many years ago, as a child, I played the game red sauce, brown sauce. You say two opposing things and the other person picks one. A very standard game but it passed the time and made both people think. You all played it I’m sure. As I grew up and women became a viable option to share my time with, the game developed into asking them deeper questions along with stupid ones. I only ever pull out the either/or game when bored on a date but started to throw them out on here and then we had 100 posts. You’ve been picking all month and for the final post I decided to show him to you. Ladies, the man of your dreams…if you had to pick one thing over the other.

Lets start with his physicality shall we?

First of all, his legs. they are incredible, thick and toned like a race horse and you wanted it more than big arms so he worked just on this, surprising then that he has a horrid bum. You wanted a nice smile over that. Hey though, great legs huh? Shame you can’t see them with his big belly, it hangs over his waistline and sits there. You may not like this but you wanted him to have broad shoulders more and that along with his leg workouts mean he has an exceptionally odd workout regime.

He has tattoos but no piercings. You were all incredibly strict on this one but not on tattoos of piercings. He smells nice, you were more interested in this than his other aesthetics. So he is pig ugly, you wanted it. He has some stubble but not a beard, you wanted him to wear a suit more than leave his face fuzz grow.

Also, you find you fancy Gosling? Beckham? Pitt? You like the blondes out there? Tough, he has dark hair. Some of you may have swayed towards this out of some misplaced allegiance to me, a man you’ve never seen and while I’m flattered, you’ve forever lost your chance to get with any fair haired man ever again. Unless they die it.

Probably a reason you only want to have sex at night, with the lights off.

He has a big family, you’ll meet his parents, brothers, auntie’s and uncle’s along with his grandparents and all his in laws. Prepare yourself, you shall adopt roughly a dozen cousins, more nephews and niece’s and some on the way. They won’t all judge you…to your face. They’ll be lovely actually, sickeningly so as they stay warm and open with you, allowing you to do as you wish and laughing with comfort if you do something that could be embarrassing. You’ll just have to remember all those names and sit with them all at his mothers large wooden dinner table in a country house or over sized log cabin in a snowy landscape. He won’t have many friends but he wont need them, he can gate crash yours right? You’d prefer to meet his friends than his family but something tells me you’ll be wearing the shit earnings his aunt Susannah bought you last year before you meet Simon and Jenny for Gin and Tonics.

Don’t worry about him embarrassing you around them, he prefers the subtle shows of affection and not large grandiose displays. Then again, he isn’t the sort to do that, not when he’s distant and thick skinned. You didn’t want anyone clingy or too sensitive so that’s what you get. This is good as he won’t want to listen to you whine on about any issues you have, you wanted him to have interesting things to say rather than witness you moan. Don’t expect any sympathy anyway, you wanted him to laugh at sad news rather than cry at it. Now granted that could be a defense mechanism and he will feel these things as sad news but he won’t feel the need to sob at them, simply chuckle. Speaking of behavior, when asked about smoking or drinking, which you’d prefer him to indulge in more, it was a dead heat. So well done, He smokes and drinks far too much.

So you guys don’t care about looks right? So what if he’s a cold bastard more interested in schadenfreude. What’s he like in the sack right?

Well there’s good and bad news. He’s an intelligent man, you wanted that but it was only offered if he was crap in bed. Oh dear. You wanted him rough over tender and this fits his personality right? He’ll probably do this while speaking Italian as none of you wanted a French speaker but unfortunately for you he’s better at dirty texts than he is on the phone so unless you’re turned on from reading Italian, it’s a bit of a hollow victory. Also, we could get him singing, maybe it’s…a modern day Dean Martin, crooning Italian to you with his firm legs, solid belly and great smile singing romantic/sleazy tunes your way. Unfortunately he can’t sing, you wanted him to dance and considering his rough moves in bed I can only assume he’s a professional dancer mixing his own talent in a contemporary style. It’s good dancing but way over everyone’s head and probably won’t translate into missionary and this, as we’ve established his poor sexual performance, is the only position he’s likely to know.

The great news is he can cook, he can’t give a massage to save his life plus it would be too selfless an act for a man such as him. In fact given his personality he’s likely to cook great food…if he could be bothered. Maybe he saves the best food just for him?

It all looks pretty bad right? Not so, there is a silver lining to all this doom and gloom of your ‘perfect’ man. He wants everything as you wanted this more than a man who wants for nothing, content with his life. Success, he’ll likely cheat on you and move out if he gets a better offer. Then she’s stuck with him. If you wanted him, I can guarantee so will she so all that’s left to do is get rid of his stuff…he’s not clingy so just through it out or burn it and get on with your life.

Well done you, you had the perfect man, the man of your dreams and you managed to get rid of him. I’m relieved for you.

Cheeky

#Sex#Men#either or game#relationships#perfect#Your winner is...

5/27/2012 (11:48am) 2 notes

social family

I do love my family. I do. I probably love my mother a great deal more than the others or it maybe that I am just more comfortable around her, sharing things with her and just worried more about her blessings on things I do. This is almost certainly a response to a Catholic upbringing. There are many times when my mother irritates me and I find this with all my family, more so with the rest of them. As a family, we aren’t that close. We don’t talk that much nor that openly, I’ve come to accept it. I love them but I probably value my friends more. I mean, my friends know I had a testicle removed and am currently impotent, you are reading this and that means complete strangers from around the world know it. My family don’t.

Now there are valid reasons. When everything started happening, the doctors didn’t know what we were looking at. It was a pain, there was a lump and caution out-weighed compulsion meaning they looked to the lump as they were concerned about it. The pain was being caused by something else and so as they were finding the cause of this mystery growth the true issue worsened. At the time I was nervous, naturally I was scared. You hear lump and you register “YOU ARE DYING OF CANCER!” and as horrible as it was I couldn’t tell my family. I didn’t want them to go through that while I wasn’t sure what was going on and by the time the doctor said it was nothing, on the same day, within the hour I was taken in to surgery for the pain. No time to phone home and tell them all that had happened and why I didn’t tell them before. It snowballed and snowballed and now I may never tell them. Other than the erection and increase in my jaw muscular endurance there really is no sign of harm and my family wouldn’t need to be concerned with that now would they.

Last night, I was drunk. Beautifully, scrumptiously drunk. An Irish wedding. This isn’t an account of that but something that saddens and inflames my frustration of the family I sit in. When drunk we talk. We laugh and have a good time. Aside from these moments of drunken rapport I find it hard to talk with them. Keep in mind this is me finding talking difficult. Impossible almost. At 9 o’clock last night, I sat with a whiskey and my father as we forged out what was on the surface a relationship of substance and respect. This morning, nothing. He’s still the man that I just don’t know, don’t really want to and far more frighteningly I’m often informed I’m turning into. Add alcohol, instant dad.

The wedding was fun, it was a gorgeous day with beautiful woman and expensive beer. This is the third time in 4 years I’ve seen my cousins and assorted family. The last time I saw them was my uncle’s funeral and before that was my other cousins wedding. I have 3 uncle’s, 4 auntie’s though this doesn’t include partners, 20 cousins and this is just immediate family. Catholic families! The majority of us live within half an hour of each other. 3 times in 4 years.

It’s not that I don’t love them or wish we could spend more occasions together and rue the fact that we don’t make the opportunity. I think it’s just the way we are, the way we’ve become. A large family of dwellers, special occasional’s and great drinkers. If we wanted to we could change this but I can’t see that ever happening with haste. I don’t know if it’s common with everyone else and I don’t know if it’s on the increase, I don’t even know why I felt like writing about it to be frank but it’s just odd. With alcohol I have a sincere and fond relationship with my dad and in so many ways, this kills me.

…for those wondering I fingered a 21 year old brunette.

Cheekyguy

#Wedding#Family#alcohol#relationships

5/13/2012 (11:23am) 1 note

love, and other mistakes

You shall not find a guy better equipped to give love a glowing report. I mean it. As far as unexpected surprises go you’ll be hard pressed to convince me there is any finer feeling to have. That one day where organically, someone you’re into just seems right and you no longer regard them as a friend, a fuck or partner. It’s love and it’s incredible. Those lucky to be in it can tell you all the romantic qualities it holds such as the way food tastes and sex is better or the fact they can’t stop themselves smiling. Those in it for longer understand the other aspects where they feel safe with sharing and know a loyalty reciprocated, although less shaped by giddy moments, it’s no less special. Yes to be in love is a truly wonderful thing. An empowering thing and I say this without a hint of sarcasm, but there’s a time and a place people.

A friend of mine, Emma we’ll call her is a looker, she is young, 19 and finishing her first year of University. Given her slight frame, tanned skin, ample chest and pretty eyes she had several offers before higher education. Not all of them were full on and she assured me that only one of them had seen her naked. I wouldn’t have cared about this, as you can imagine, how many people you sleep with when you’re single is up to you whatever your gender, I don’t judge the petty things. So there she was, facing the prospect of her first year away from home, seeing another life where freedom was the word of the moment. Sensible and unsure what she should be doing she came to me. What a smart girl.

I take us back a year, some of you may remember this post…

http://cheekyguy.tumblr.com/post/5524776926/sex-drugs-and-rock-roll-higher

…from May last year. I wrote about vice in your college years and how I would advise you to embrace it. Of course it’s a cliche but this is still in my mind the best time to learn just how freaky you are or what you may expect from guys you date from now on…or if you like chicks! I gave this very same advice to Emma but I was able to field a lot of the questions with her. Other than that, and I must admit my failings as an educator on this one, I got it wrong and failed to include something, which in my mind was obvious given the suggestion for partying but I hadn’t spelled it out.No relationships. At all.

Emma finds in her first term a guy. Quite good looking, opposed to her view on alcohol and several other things but he’s well off and funny. She fell for him in a big way and as the year went on all my good advice went to shit. Here’s the thing about relationships, love. You don’t go into them unless you think it will work out and this is never truer than when you’re away from home and face the prospect of seeing the person everyday with no refuge. Fool around with them, have fun but why subject yourself to something that is sure to fail from the off? You don’t get along and have little in common and trust me…I’m speaking on behalf of all men here, a first year no matter how many girls he went through back home (myself included) will be as good as a final year guy (although I was pretty fucking close) after he’s learnt a thing or two from other women. Fact.

"Ah but *******, I can’t control what my heart wants."

Yes you can, of course you can. I’m not telling you to fight it all the time but just to think about what you’re doing. I can’t even promise you that you won’t go on to regret not acting on your heart in the future but trust me on this, there will be other guys you will find. This is coming from me, I helped friends through heart break, calmed them down only to watch them bump into the person and start from scratch. How are you going to decide if a controlled orgy is for you unless you try it? You can’t fuck 4 girls at once on MDMA when you have a girlfriend unless you’re a cheating cunt. I wasn’t a cunt! Shock horror, I discovered it was rather nice having sex with four ladies when we were all high on a drug that makes you love everyone and get ridiculously horny. Where would that have been had I been in a glowing relationship and spent that early time being in love?

I tell you this because I did find a girlfriend in University. Eventually. She was clearly wrong for me from the start. It didn’t end well and I will never speak to her or my friend she ended up with, that isn’t out of grudge or bitterness anymore, I just have nothing to talk to them about and they clearly weren’t great friends to sweat about. Life goes forward but then I’m not sharing classes with them or seeing them everyday.

University is for learning, getting your education sorted out and mapping out a career. It’s also for having fun and enjoying yourself so I plead with you. Please don’t get into a relationship, don’t confuse love with fun or giddy thoughts with opportunities for love. Just enjoy yourself. You have the rest of your life to find someone and hopefully they won’t be trying to fuck your flatmate’s when that happens.

Cheekyguy

#Sex#Love#relationships#university#higher education#partying#drugs#alcohol#lesbian

5/7/2012 (1:41pm)

Alcohol, good music and writing are just nature’s way of getting over them.

Failing that, fuck her sister. That helps.

#Sex#relationships#heart-break

4/25/2012 (4:52pm) 2 notes

Question

Anonymous asks

My girlfriend hits me and i don’t know what to do. I’m a big guy, 6’3” and 200 lbs and she’s only little but she gets angry and always does it. It started not long after we got together and she used to punch me and pull my hair out eventually biting my hands and fingers. Afterwards she always cries and tells me she’s sorry but it only takes a second and she sparks off again. I’ve broken my nose and a fractured cheekbone but she mainly hits me where no one will see it on my stomach and chest.

I love her so much but I don’t know what to do. I’m at my end and have tried to leave but she said if I do she’ll kill herself. Please help me, what can I do?

Dear anonymous. I’m leaving this one completely open to all who wish to offer help. 

The first thing I would do is find a friend or a family member who is loyal to you. Not to both of you but just yourself. The social stigma involved with domestic violence is something I luckily have no personal experience of. Well done for being open about your situation. I need you to be a little braver and find that close friend/family member and let them know. For me, this would be the hardest thing and I have heard about people in your situation who find this the hardest part. Find a person who you know you can trust with the information and who won’t act on it by confronting her or running to anyone else to tell them. This is what I’d do first of all. I firmly believe that this will make the next steps far easier.

Next I’d scour the internet for victim support groups or phone numbers where you can speak directly to people who can professionally advice you on your situation. I understand your concerns if your girlfriend has threatened to harm herself but this cannot sway your mind away from what is important here. You’re well being and safety. You know this. A professional would be able to tell you not only how you can protect yourself but I imagine ways to help your partner. The fact that you’ve told me she hits you places where nobody can see the evidence tells me that she knows she is doing wrong. The crying doesn’t, it suggests to me a manner in which she can manipulate your feelings and lead you to forgiving her without merit, the same goes for threatening repercussions in the event you leave her. Not only does she know it’s wrong but she also accepts that others will see the bruises and she’ll be forced to face up to her actions. This and she’s ashamed of what she does. Why else does someone hide anything from others? I guarantee it isn’t pride.

This is the first set of things I would do. Reach out to a friend you can trust not to cause issues for you. You’ll need their support later. Get in touch with people trained in domestic violence counseling. You need it and I know you want your partner to get it.

I’m guessing some would suggest you the relationship is over and that is something that is in your hands and I doubt anyone would attack your decision to do this. I get the feeling though that this isn’t what you want and I know that people who receive counselling for this problem can get through it. If you’re willing to help her, and she will need your help to get through it, then I don’t see it as the end.

Thank you for telling me and I wish I could help further but I realise the effects of physical violence are matters I couldn’t with any great conscience advise you on fully. I can only swear to you that I would follow the suggestions I’ve put here.

Please get back to me any time and let me know how you are getting on. If you can’t bring yourself to speak to anyone I will gladly listen to you. Send me your name and we’ll skype or find some other medium to communicate. I really wish to help so don’t be a stranger.

Cheekyguy xx

Can anyone else offer any advice on this one?

#question#agony aunt#relationships#domestic violence

4/11/2012 (3:40pm) 1 note

Question

Anonymous asks

i’m attracted to my soon to be brother in law and i don’t know what to do. i kinda liked having him as a crush until recently. He’s real sporty an d always wears these tanks to show off his arms and i turned red just thiking about them. last week, my fiance and i were out drinking and when we got in he went straight to bed and i was left with his brother. we ended up fucking on the couch and now he keeps texting me. what do I do?

I started reading this and didn’t think you were going to tell me you’d fucked him. I was expecting this to be a harmless crush story in which case I would have said it was just that. Harmless.

Recently I was told to go easier on people who’ve cheated. Now I don’t accept the idea that I’ve been that tough on cheaters directly so I don’t see why I should change…you know you’ve done wrong, I know it so I don’t see the need to shy away from the fact and treat you with kid gloves as I consider that approach to be more patronising than any other. I shall however approach this first from your side.

I get why your fiance’s brother would be tempting. Nothing to do with aesthetic benefits but it’s naughty. It’s naughty to harbour feelings for those we shouldn’t. I get it. I’ve had thoughts about cousins, sisters, mums and friends of people I’ve dated and on several occasions I’ve slept with them when the relationship ended out of misplaced and twisted emotional issues. I get the flirting aspect. That’s one thing people don’t talk about as often as they should. Flirting while in a relationship with other people is fine…it happens. Most of the time partners don’t find out and we allow it to lift us for the day and forget about it later. A crush on someone closer is tougher to manage but can be fine when done in front of the one we love providing they are confident enough to deal with it. Flirting and crushes don’t have to be the end of anything that we hold permanent.

Pleasantries over.

You’ve cheated. On a man you’re marrying no less. This means it’s not a small relationship but a future you’ve jeopardised and worse, you don’t show any regret or real apology. You possibly do but from reading your message I couldn’t find any. I’m not sure what the help is that you’re looking for.

Do you…

Want to continue with your fiance?

Keep sleeping with the brother?

Hide the infidelity?

Find the easiest way of breaking up the relationship?

Stop the brother texting you?

I wouldn’t know where to start with any of them.

I guess you should begin by working out what you want from your fiance. Do you still love him enough not to cheat on him again? If you do and you want to be with him then you have two options.

The first and I think decent one is to tell him everything. I get why that’s an issue. It’s not just the two of you but his brother, his own family that gets hurt. It isn’t the greatest of positions to be in but I believe you owe it to him if you care about him. The hardest part for you is he may very likely throw you to one side, not forgive you and you’ll be left alone. That is his call and you have to deal with it if that’s how he feels. You could do this without mentioning the brother if you think it’d be easier on him, just call it a fling with someone from some other part of your life but it won’t happen again.

Then there’s the other option. You do nothing. You end it with the brother and go about life with your man without telling him a thing but if he finds out, and cheated people tend to discover these things, you’ll be in a world of shit. You risk losing everything not to mention the levels of paranoia you’ll experience every time you see him chatting to his brother or the awkwardness you’ll feel around them both.

Either option will cause you severe mental anguish. Good luck.

One thing I noticed about your message was the amount of times you described the brother and mentioned your fiance. It was a landslide for the brother. I got the image of this sporty type with big arms and you going gooey over him each time he’s near. Your infatuation with him doesn’t seem over, far from it. It seems the first chance you found you fucked him while your partner was in bed. I didn’t read words along the line of “I’ve made a terrible mistake” but just asking what you should do next. I realise that his brother isn’t innocent in this but that doesn’t excuse any of your actions. What is he texting you? He wants to fuck again? He feels guilty? He wants to discuss what you’re going to do about it? If you don’t reply you face the possibility that the brother will spill everything anyway and then you’re still buggered. Probably a good idea to speak with the brother. Like now!

At the end of the day, you don’t have to do anything but no matter what you do; I feel you’re slightly fucked! I hope in all this that your fiance gets the life and person he deserves. That could be you if he agrees but it’s up to you to be the brave person and deal with this. Prepare for hard times and behave accordingly.

I hope you are remorseful and not merely worried for your own neck. And if you think I’ve been tough on you then you probably shouldn’t cheat on someone you’re engaged to! Try and look after yourself because I don’t want you hurting yourself anymore than this already has. Just work out what you want and do the decent thing.

Good luck and I do mean that.

Cheeky

Any advice for her?

#Question#agony aunt#relationships#sex#seduction#cheating

3/25/2012 (10:33am) 1 note

Question

Anonymous asks…

There’s a man - visits & admissions of & fighting of feelings on both parts. Won’t date long distance & thus our friendship is complicated. Spending a week where he lives I was excited at the idea of seeing him. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to hang out. Repeat of last year when a gf and I made plans to vacation in his city. Against seeing us, but before we arrived he changed his tune. Ended up spending every night with him & he gave his spare room to us to save cash. Think we’ll see him?

I couldn’t possibly tell you.

The question I feel you should be asking is how much should you want to see him?

You date long distance, trust me, I know the difficulties in that one. You both have feelings for each other and you’re both doing your best to admit to them but fight them which I think is common. Telling a person how you feel is a very vulnerable state to put oneself in. To stand completely naked, without baggage and tell the person that you think of them in a certain way costs something, it’s exhausting and not to be taken lightly. All the worries flock in to cast doubt on us…Will they feel anything similar? Am I about to be rejected? Am I really feeling this way? All these are natural and incredibly valid when we face the risk of hurting ourselves or others. Tied to this the fact that it could hurt us even further when we are forced to date long distance and there’s the added worry that anything we commit to may stutter due to elements beyond our immediate control. I think you’re both right to feel these emotions and you’d be incredibly naive or just plain thoughtless to not consider them. Self preservation is how humans have lasted this long.

Now why do I ask how much you should want to see him?

You have feelings for the guy, I get it. You are incredibly happy to see him, excited, that’s the word you offered the opportunity. You said this before also. Both times he’s been reluctant? To me this suggests one of two things…

a) He’s reluctant because he’s scared that this wont work out and you’ll both get hurt. He may even feel nervous about spending time with you for as much as we can fall for someone’s mind, there are physical issues that long distances will often romanticise. Now I’m not talking about looks here, I’m not being aesthetic in this point I mean things like smell. Think of the way a person smells, it can be everything you need to fall for someone, it can comfort you, turn you on, make you smile or maybe relax you. Very strong persuasive measure’s and that’s just the way they stink! You can’t control that with phone calls and emails.

He may indeed worry about these notions. What if there’s something about the picture you’ve built of him that you don’t like? Or vise versa? He may not want you there because he’s terrified that you see a side of him that shatters everything he holds dear to him.

b) He’s reluctant because he doesn’t want a girlfirend.

Here’s something that we all know but hardly ever want to believe. People lie. Look, I’m not saying he is and I’m certainly not saying he’s doing what I’m about to tell you about but it was the first thing that came to mind.

I can tell you a story about a girl I know who travelled long distance to meet a guy in person whom she’d only met on the web. They spent a few hours together and ended up fucking that night but then they’d had months of build up to get there and so it seemed a natural progression. As a very well off person, she was happy to now spend a lot of time and energy travelling to meet him regularly but he wasn’t so comfortable with this. He passed on the opportunity and instead was incredibly selective over dates and times they could meet, he would suddenly change his mind and say he couldn’t see her even after she’d boarded a plane or he’d rue certain missed chances to see her, later saying “Damn, we could have seen each other this weekend after all.” Erratic behaviour, not wanting to see the person you’ve extensively sought out to spend time with once before made my friend gorw curious about him…so she did some detective work of her own. To cut the story short, she discovered that he wasn’t any of the things he said he was, he wasn’t a wealthy business man, he didn’t live in the city he’d said and he was infact already in a marriage.

Like I said, I don’t wish to suggest that your guy is lying to you but the swift change of mind does ring alarm bells with me. I’m not asking you to pre-judge him or raise trust issues and I’m sorry if I do that.

If I were in your shoes, I’d ask why he wouldn’t want to see me. There’s no need to be moody in this approach, sound upset or angry but just ask him. Don’t lead him to an answer, don’t ask if it’s because he’s scared but just ask.

At the end of the day you have to decide if the energy to see him is worth it. You’re going out of your way to see him and he doesn’t want to. You’ve attempted twice to head to him and he’s not tried to see you once? I’d personally wonder if I was the one doing all the leg work if it was worth my time.

You may indeed see him this time. He may message you out of the blue and say he’s looking forward to your arrival and you’ll spend every night together again like your last visit. Then what? You go back to long distance and he raises the same point next time, he doesn’t want to hang out? That would then make 3 trips from you and no effort from him…fuck it, take effort out of it, you’re coming to him all he has to do is say “I’m free Friday, let’s grab a drink.” that takes no real effort on his part and believe me, as a man with a pretty hectic social life and who works the oddest hours known to man, I still managed to see 4 different women, meet friends and approach new people.

Why do you want to see him and will you be concerned if he doesn’t return the sentiment in the future? This is the question I’d ask myself.

Cheeky

What do others think?

#question#agony aunt#relationships#long distance

2/29/2012 (7:50pm) 1 note

bring your own stud

Brunette gives me a text.

Hey, what you upto Friday? A few of us are going for dinner if you fancy it? x

Prior to this, brunette and I had been indulging in our (my) current version of sex and that was it. I’d met her outside of her flat but since then we’d spent a great deal of time in it, we once walked to her local shop to buy beer and food but that was it really. Her flatmate had seen the two of us together…but then I used to sleep with her flatmate when all my things worked. It was all fine and as brunette was one of the ladies I knew wasn’t seeking anything from me I knew this was all good. She’s not going to have an issue with my history because there’s nothing exclusive or unanswered about where we’re at. So while dinner with her friends was not usual for us, I wasn’t under any illusion this was all just dinner.

As I turned up at her place I was greeted at the door. It wasn’t her, nor her flatmate but a friend of theirs.

”*******!” she shrieked as she saw me there. Yes I’d slept with her as well. This could be interesting.

It all went unspoken, she looked over now and then at me as she sat on her boyfriends lap in the sitting room. Not a very imposing guy, slight and rather short but terribly good looking with a hint of cool. We waited in there with the flatmate’s fella for taxi’s to come and take us into town to go eat. Brunette pulled me aside and told me, “My flatmate has her boyfriend, then there’s the other girl, Lizzy (made up name) and her guy. When we get there we’re meeting another couple I just didn’t want to be a spare cog. Is that ok?”

I told her it was fine and then proceeded to inform her I’d fucked Lizzy previously. Brunette laughed and rolled her eyes.

We got to the restaurant and as soon as the name was mentioned in the cab I started to think of the place. I hadn’t been there for a long time, the name had changed. I used to go here with an ex girlfriend, a real relationship with talks and commitments but after we’d finished I hadn’t been back. Not for any particular reason or bad memories, we got on ok after it all ended I just hadn’t bothered. It was her favourite place and as lovely as the food was I just wasn’t fussed…you can guess who the fourth couple was.

I’m sat with brunette, her flatmate plus one, Lizzy plus one and my ex girlfriend plus one. How did these lot know each other and arrange this situation without me having any idea? Ex and I came face to face and I laughed, the awkwardness was apparent so I did my usual trick of bulldozing through it and giving her a big hug. She took the piss out of me, I appreciated it, then she explained to her boyfriend and those around us how we knew each other.

Mid way through the starter brunette had gone very quiet and was looking around the table at the women present. She then looked at me and let out a rather loud laugh. I moved in to ask her what was so funny and she said “I just realised that you’ve slept with every girl around this table - and so have I!” There I was thinking I was the only stud here, having a history with all these fine looking women and yet she was on a Parr.

"When that thing works, you let me know ok? I don’t like being the only one here who hasn’t been on that thing."

Ah dating is fun.

Cheeky

#Sex#relationships#when this thing works#brunette