10/19/2014 (11:09am) 4 notes

Me: What do you mean?

Her: I mean he couldn’t find my clitoris.

Me: You mean he didn’t know what to do?

Her: No.

Me: How old is he?

Her: 26/27.

Me: And he didn’t know where it was? He wasn’t shit, he just didn’t know where the clitoris is?

Her: Yes.

…and I wept. No excuse. One thing being shit at foreplay but to be clueless?!


9/12/2012 (12:08am) 7 notes

Not knocking science or sitcoms but when most people hear ‘the big bang’, they’re wondering just how good I’d be in bed.


5/22/2012 (10:05am) 2 notes

writers cock

When I was first thinking about sex at a very tender age, I’d imagine all the things I was going to love about it. Kissing a girl was going to go a certain way, in dreams I vaguely remember it felt like my mouth was being sucked backwards pulling in my cheeks and making my lips point out like the tip of a beak. I was never sure if this was the result of me doing something weird with my pillow during my sleep but that was how it felt. As my smutty subconscious evolved to foreplay, I just knew I was going to love blow jobs. I must confess in said dreams I was always premature, I’d cum long before it would get in her mouth provoking pornoesque eruptions everywhere but I still knew I’d love blow jobs and actual sex it would feel just as hard on the inside of a vagina as my mattress would. Of course, all of this was wrong.

My first kiss was warm and tender, my first blow job was just warm but nothing else and sex wasn’t the same sensation as rubbing my dick against my Thundercats duvet, not that it was much better with a condom but I’d get the hang of them and although I have indeed at times had mighty bursts of post sex machismo, they have arrived on time. Sometimes they arrive a little later, which is always an annoyance.

Think back to your times before. Maybe you’d play with yourself, maybe even had toys and shit. Friends who’d been there told you things and you had a clue what to expect. It wasn’t the same was it? You found everything different and if like me you’d ever penned anything about what it was going to be like you’d have been amused at just how wrong you had been. It’s not our fault is it? We were just getting it all wrong and try as we might, we had no idea what it was going to be like, things we were looking forward to were a let down and things we dreaded were fucking great.

In a week from now it shall be 875 days since I had sex or any form of foreplay. 875. I was trying to write to someone about what an orgasm feels like for me and I couldn’t remember! Utterly depressed by the thought and killing myself with counting days in my calender (925 days on my birthday) I struggled to think what it is that I’m looking forward to when back in the saddle…I am really looking forward to getting head! I know I won’t enjoy it but for some reason I find myself reverting to my before the time I was  first sexually active and bullying the old grey matter into finding what it is that I used to enjoy about it.

Apologies for those I promised filthy messages for but I’m doing my best.



1/22/2012 (3:33pm) 8 notes

juggling morality

"Cheeky, that girls such a slut. Can’t believe she’s fucking you behind her mans back in his appartment. That’s so evil."

Now. You know who you are. The person who sent this directly to me in response to my recent adventures with a mystery blonde. Yes she said she wanted to have a drink with me and took me back to her/their flat whilst her fella was away. You are correct in this fact although saying we were fucking…along with the rest of your message asking if she was bossy demanding positions suggests to me that you aren’t fully up to date with my medical situation. For this reason I would ask you to read my other posts, they’re pretty tasty and even more so when you imagine them narrated in a classy British accent…I’ll even forgive your spelling of ‘appartment’.

But I digress…

The woman I spent Friday night and Saturday morning with is engaged. We did indeed enjoy a racy time together and judging by the pictures she’s text me since I left it appears there will be a repeat performance. Does this make her a bad person?

Yes. She’s cheating on her fiancé with me and even though I can’t put my penis in her (well I could but it wouldn’t exactly be any fun) it’s still cheating…just like he’s doing! You see there are two sides to everything.

Going away for work is only a truly honest reason to leave one’s ‘soon to be’ if “work” didn’t leave voicemails on the couple’s landline asking what dress it should take with her because “work” doesn’t know if they’re leaving the hotel room. Her fiancé goes away for work fairly often and has spent two weekends away at conference’s since the new year. This was explained to me as I questioned the risk of exposure when waking up in another man’s bed with his incredibly hot lady.

They are to marry in May, I imagine this is due to tax reasons. They have a considerable income between them as I witnessed by the interior of their abode chiefly the artwork I looked at in her bedroom while I was tying her wrists.

"She’s pretty. Dark hair, really skinny."

…she later confessed while making me coffee and I sat taking a picture on my phone to reassure her she was equally incredible before telling her “you’ll get no more compliments from me.” and winking.

Now why did I stay so long? I’m enjoying myself and she has a partner, which in my world makes her even sexier. She’s by far the most alluring person I’ve seen since New Years and considering I’m almost constantly turned on these days it makes every opportunity worth indulging. I’ve said it before, I hate cheating and this always offers an issue to me when with someone else’s partner but I am in this instance providing respite for a person initially wronged and aiding to satisfy her revenge.

I cannot judge her for wanting to spend time with me. I’m a catch. I kiss amazingly, tease, give great head, use my hands and toys better than anyone you know. I can also hold a conversation, am easy on the eye and give tremendous back rubs…if I were going to cheat be it for revenge or concupiscence or just to enjoy my last few months of semi single life, I’d choose me!

Call her a slut if you wish to. I’d feel far easier if you attacked my morality as it is without doubt being called into question on this one. Either way I don’t really care, she’s sent me a snap of her in stockings.

This concludes any mention of blonde girl again in any great detail…unless my penis suddenly works again any time soon.



1/20/2012 (4:29pm) 11 notes

onto more pressing matters

So tonight I am meeting a lady.

She’s blonde, very hot, has a cute nose and incredible eyes. I met her Wednesday evening when she was sat at a table having a drink with a man whom I assumed was her boyfriend but was actually her fiance.

I looked at her, she caught me and smiled. I waited him to leave her and then I hastily went over, still unsure if he was indeed important or not, then proceeded to establish he was before getting her phone number and a date anyway.

Let’s be clear, we’re having a drink and then I don’t know what else except of course I do know. This can only be a sexual thing for her because she’s soon to be wed. He is away with work so she’s text me to meet up & therefore she will be terribly disappointed when my penis doesn’t work later on. I have the feeling that I’m a bit of a fraud as I was clearly cocky enough in my approach to suggest that tonight will be incredible penetrative sex and as much as this is a tricky situation in which to find myself I can’t tell her the truth as I really want to see her naked!

The first decent woman I’ve seen since Midninght new years day and I am spending time I should spend getting ready wishing I believed in a God so I could pray to them in vain hope that they’d reward me a hard vein…apologies to any lapsed Catholic memories that sentence may have stirred.

I’m assuming I’m just going to go down on her and joke my way out of any awkwardness that shall certainly ensue.

Sounds like a plan and hopefully biology might come to my aide before we leave the bar. Wish my luck science.



8/31/2011 (8:20pm) 15 notes

lie back and think of advancement

There’s a common trend that is loitering in most every woman I meet. It trouble’s me. I receive questions on here, some anonymous and others named and the majority ask for counsel. I do my best to answer all in private where I can and with full honesty, never once presenting myself as the bearer of all solutions yet I still proffer what I conclude to be advice I’d take in the circumstance.

Here’s the question I receive more often than others in total paraphrase.

“I like this guy, a lot, I do loads for him sexually and he doesn’t return the favour. We only really go at it when I’m passive and willing but I don’t enjoy it. What should I do?”

It is around this point I wince. My eyes draw over the line steadily and I await the rest of it in vain hoping that it fails to follow this template and arrives at some other destination, that it travels somewhere foreign to this. I then digest it all again and then I bang my forehead down, hard, on the nearest surface.

In any relationship, there comes a fulcrum. A point where the leverage shifts and one person, the one who held all the power suddenly becomes powerless. This is without a doubt the most remarkable part in any connection, it’s the exact moment where many affairs stutter and embark on a journey to their conclusion. It has always gripped me and always will.

We will all experience it and it’s up to us in these moments to banish all our insecurities, fears and vulnerability if we truly wish the relationship to live on in a complete state of equality between ourselves and our partner. For many, relinquishing this is too terrifying to consider. The thought of submitting to another person when you’ve spent your entire time together hogging control is indeed a moment requiring true courage. Just as this takes courage it’s important to remember when you polarize this experience and suddenly find yourself rewarded with immense authority on all decisions made as a couple, you suddenly forget why you sought it. Indeed many unintentionally abuse this new strength resorting to some form of emotional bullying rather than tackling with the misgivings you suffered earlier.

When I first meet a person I generally do my best to connect with someone by not connecting with them. I will listen but not fully, I will be honest but not totally as I usually believe that it’s more apt that I pick out things you say to twist in a clever but not hurtful way and I’ll be honest but only with what I want you to hear. The only true part of our original connection is that when I talk to you, you’ll be under no illusion who I’m talking to. We’ll have eye contact, my body will be facing yours and we’ll be breathing together. I won’t tell you if I’ve had a bad day and if you dwell on that when you speak I’ll swiftly slap you about and change the course of the conversation onto something more agreeable. If we go to bed I have a fair idea of what I will be doing and I expect the same from you and, here’s the rub, it doesn’t matter what you do. Explore, enjoy without fear of pushing a boundary or two, after all if a man doesn’t want you to slide a finger in his arsehole then believe me, you’ll soon find out. What gets you off? Do you want to go on top? Have your legs pinned back in missionary? Spanked? Choked? Have him shout obscenities at you will you’re facing the other way? Know what it is and how awkward it is to ask.

If it’s your first time with someone and it’s a one night stand, I see it as a key time to experiment and that’s largely down to the fact that there’s little fear of repercussion. You may not see them again and therefore what you get up to over the period of one night, two nights or a fortnight locked in a room with gallons of water and other such emergency supplies, is free of risk and more susceptible to curious minds. The moment is fleeting and once you’ve parted ways it no longer relevant what happened between you, so why not take advantage and do as you please?

Now I’m not saying ask him. I’m not suggesting for one second you ask for something that will cause the man to leave you there and skulk off home, deleting your number on the way but I am suggesting that focussing on your own enjoyment is far more important and if you want to pleasure him then do so but focus on yourself before showing off the one move you know you’re great at.

“…but Cheeky, what is it’s a new relationship that I’m just starting and really want to work?”

Well why not the same plan of attack? At first when you’re in bed with someone you find more than just an attraction to but something that could go further then it’s a standard feeling to be measured in your approach to sex. Maybe you make them cum and then out of some ill formed sense of courtesy you negate to fully enjoy yourself. After all, you like the person so why would you need to orgasm straight away? This I believe is a fair methodology and if you wish to pursue a long acquaintance with them then feel free to subscribe to the tactic…but not for long. If you are determined to stick with this until they change their manner of love making I fear you’ll find yourself drawn into a very sluggish expedition that will credit the power struggle and shift down the line.

Sex is a power fixation for many. Some men use it to show dominance both in the bedroom and in bars as a social precursor of value. Some men enjoy being dominated as they pledge themselves to a sense of infirmity. If you want a concrete foundation to build a connection with someone as a lover and a partner, take the power out of it by sharing openly from the start. If you like him and he isn’t reaching the bar, get him to change it up and if he doesn’t get the hint then he’s a crap shag who won’t learn. When you finally do take the power, not only in the physical sense but in whatever way that occurs, he won’t enjoy it.

It amazes me that in the year of 2011, some women are so timid in their approach to sexuality. Why the fuck aren’t you enjoying yourself?  When I get this message I can’t believe it and I’m sure some of if not all of you reading this agree with me. It is 2011 and not the start of the 20th century where sex is a gift for men to enjoy and women to endure.

The days of lying back and “thinking of Queen and country” have long since dissolved. With this in mind stop doing it! You want him to touch you grab his hand and place it there, he moves it then move it back. Do I need to go on?

Let me be honest, I know nothing? There is no way I have a straightforward response to this dilemma and I may very likely be utterly wide of the mark. What I do have is a mountain of common sense and imagination, if you’re not happy with the sex you’re having, do it differently. Being docile won’t equate to mind blowing orgasms and unquestionably shan’t produce a meaningful tryst between the two of you.

A girl…no a woman once said to me “Give me your unconditional attention from the first look to orgasm then everything that follows and I’m yours.” So that’s what I do…and I’m fucking amazing in bed as a result. As opportune moment as any I can state with no sense of conceitedness that sex with me is a ridiculously preposterous experience…that isn’t arrogant, it’s just accuracy. Yet that level of engagement…isn’t that what a perfect relationship is and how it should live? Many decades ago women were told to be passive and actively resist connecting with their husband, with no chance to take pleasure in sex. “Lie back and think of England” was an order mothers gave daughters to dredge up on their wedding night.

So what did this lead to? A woman couldn’t connect to him and he got frustrated by the actual sex a marriage offered. Did you know in Victorian times roughly one in four privately owned houses in London was a brothel? Shouldn’t that scream out that relationships were doomed even back in the good old days of female endurance?

Times have changed and we should embrace them. Stop asking me what you should do with sex. If you want my specific likes I’ll gladly tell you and I’ll let you know the things most guys like because I’ve heard most of them I’ll even tell you what certain girls have liked in the past but there’s a reason why I tend to leave out most of the details in my posts, because they don’t matter. We had fun.

The times of sexual repression should be over by now. Kathryn Mansfield, good writer, check her out, was certified and placed in an asylum for masturbation. In the 50’s a young girl in the US was circumcised for the same reason when her parents caught her. Take full advantage of your liberal opportunities. If you don’t want to fuck every guy you meet but want to be satisfied then surely the onus is on you?

If you want to be cultivated by a guy for an extended period of time then discarded accordingly then please, continue as normal. If you’re asking someone for advice on what you should do or why he won’t do something then just take a step back and ask yourself, have I pleasured him? Has he tried to return the favour? Is he incapable? Answer these and then go up to him and take all the pleasure you want.

This is not an attack on you, I’m glad you find me capable of answering. I just incessantly suffer from complete disbelief that it’s a popular sentiment.

At this time I should like to step down from my high horse…now if you want any tips on new positions or little tricks I’ve enjoyed over the years, please, ask away. I have many ideas you may like to try. I really am rather good at it.