lie back and think of advancement
There’s a common trend that is loitering in most every woman I meet. It trouble’s me. I receive questions on here, some anonymous and others named and the majority ask for counsel. I do my best to answer all in private where I can and with full honesty, never once presenting myself as the bearer of all solutions yet I still proffer what I conclude to be advice I’d take in the circumstance.
Here’s the question I receive more often than others in total paraphrase.
“I like this guy, a lot, I do loads for him sexually and he doesn’t return the favour. We only really go at it when I’m passive and willing but I don’t enjoy it. What should I do?”
It is around this point I wince. My eyes draw over the line steadily and I await the rest of it in vain hoping that it fails to follow this template and arrives at some other destination, that it travels somewhere foreign to this. I then digest it all again and then I bang my forehead down, hard, on the nearest surface.
In any relationship, there comes a fulcrum. A point where the leverage shifts and one person, the one who held all the power suddenly becomes powerless. This is without a doubt the most remarkable part in any connection, it’s the exact moment where many affairs stutter and embark on a journey to their conclusion. It has always gripped me and always will.
We will all experience it and it’s up to us in these moments to banish all our insecurities, fears and vulnerability if we truly wish the relationship to live on in a complete state of equality between ourselves and our partner. For many, relinquishing this is too terrifying to consider. The thought of submitting to another person when you’ve spent your entire time together hogging control is indeed a moment requiring true courage. Just as this takes courage it’s important to remember when you polarize this experience and suddenly find yourself rewarded with immense authority on all decisions made as a couple, you suddenly forget why you sought it. Indeed many unintentionally abuse this new strength resorting to some form of emotional bullying rather than tackling with the misgivings you suffered earlier.
When I first meet a person I generally do my best to connect with someone by not connecting with them. I will listen but not fully, I will be honest but not totally as I usually believe that it’s more apt that I pick out things you say to twist in a clever but not hurtful way and I’ll be honest but only with what I want you to hear. The only true part of our original connection is that when I talk to you, you’ll be under no illusion who I’m talking to. We’ll have eye contact, my body will be facing yours and we’ll be breathing together. I won’t tell you if I’ve had a bad day and if you dwell on that when you speak I’ll swiftly slap you about and change the course of the conversation onto something more agreeable. If we go to bed I have a fair idea of what I will be doing and I expect the same from you and, here’s the rub, it doesn’t matter what you do. Explore, enjoy without fear of pushing a boundary or two, after all if a man doesn’t want you to slide a finger in his arsehole then believe me, you’ll soon find out. What gets you off? Do you want to go on top? Have your legs pinned back in missionary? Spanked? Choked? Have him shout obscenities at you will you’re facing the other way? Know what it is and how awkward it is to ask.
If it’s your first time with someone and it’s a one night stand, I see it as a key time to experiment and that’s largely down to the fact that there’s little fear of repercussion. You may not see them again and therefore what you get up to over the period of one night, two nights or a fortnight locked in a room with gallons of water and other such emergency supplies, is free of risk and more susceptible to curious minds. The moment is fleeting and once you’ve parted ways it no longer relevant what happened between you, so why not take advantage and do as you please?
Now I’m not saying ask him. I’m not suggesting for one second you ask for something that will cause the man to leave you there and skulk off home, deleting your number on the way but I am suggesting that focussing on your own enjoyment is far more important and if you want to pleasure him then do so but focus on yourself before showing off the one move you know you’re great at.
“…but Cheeky, what is it’s a new relationship that I’m just starting and really want to work?”
Well why not the same plan of attack? At first when you’re in bed with someone you find more than just an attraction to but something that could go further then it’s a standard feeling to be measured in your approach to sex. Maybe you make them cum and then out of some ill formed sense of courtesy you negate to fully enjoy yourself. After all, you like the person so why would you need to orgasm straight away? This I believe is a fair methodology and if you wish to pursue a long acquaintance with them then feel free to subscribe to the tactic…but not for long. If you are determined to stick with this until they change their manner of love making I fear you’ll find yourself drawn into a very sluggish expedition that will credit the power struggle and shift down the line.
Sex is a power fixation for many. Some men use it to show dominance both in the bedroom and in bars as a social precursor of value. Some men enjoy being dominated as they pledge themselves to a sense of infirmity. If you want a concrete foundation to build a connection with someone as a lover and a partner, take the power out of it by sharing openly from the start. If you like him and he isn’t reaching the bar, get him to change it up and if he doesn’t get the hint then he’s a crap shag who won’t learn. When you finally do take the power, not only in the physical sense but in whatever way that occurs, he won’t enjoy it.
It amazes me that in the year of 2011, some women are so timid in their approach to sexuality. Why the fuck aren’t you enjoying yourself? When I get this message I can’t believe it and I’m sure some of if not all of you reading this agree with me. It is 2011 and not the start of the 20th century where sex is a gift for men to enjoy and women to endure.
The days of lying back and “thinking of Queen and country” have long since dissolved. With this in mind stop doing it! You want him to touch you grab his hand and place it there, he moves it then move it back. Do I need to go on?
Let me be honest, I know nothing? There is no way I have a straightforward response to this dilemma and I may very likely be utterly wide of the mark. What I do have is a mountain of common sense and imagination, if you’re not happy with the sex you’re having, do it differently. Being docile won’t equate to mind blowing orgasms and unquestionably shan’t produce a meaningful tryst between the two of you.
A girl…no a woman once said to me “Give me your unconditional attention from the first look to orgasm then everything that follows and I’m yours.” So that’s what I do…and I’m fucking amazing in bed as a result. As opportune moment as any I can state with no sense of conceitedness that sex with me is a ridiculously preposterous experience…that isn’t arrogant, it’s just accuracy. Yet that level of engagement…isn’t that what a perfect relationship is and how it should live? Many decades ago women were told to be passive and actively resist connecting with their husband, with no chance to take pleasure in sex. “Lie back and think of England” was an order mothers gave daughters to dredge up on their wedding night.
So what did this lead to? A woman couldn’t connect to him and he got frustrated by the actual sex a marriage offered. Did you know in Victorian times roughly one in four privately owned houses in London was a brothel? Shouldn’t that scream out that relationships were doomed even back in the good old days of female endurance?
Times have changed and we should embrace them. Stop asking me what you should do with sex. If you want my specific likes I’ll gladly tell you and I’ll let you know the things most guys like because I’ve heard most of them I’ll even tell you what certain girls have liked in the past but there’s a reason why I tend to leave out most of the details in my posts, because they don’t matter. We had fun.
The times of sexual repression should be over by now. Kathryn Mansfield, good writer, check her out, was certified and placed in an asylum for masturbation. In the 50’s a young girl in the US was circumcised for the same reason when her parents caught her. Take full advantage of your liberal opportunities. If you don’t want to fuck every guy you meet but want to be satisfied then surely the onus is on you?
If you want to be cultivated by a guy for an extended period of time then discarded accordingly then please, continue as normal. If you’re asking someone for advice on what you should do or why he won’t do something then just take a step back and ask yourself, have I pleasured him? Has he tried to return the favour? Is he incapable? Answer these and then go up to him and take all the pleasure you want.
This is not an attack on you, I’m glad you find me capable of answering. I just incessantly suffer from complete disbelief that it’s a popular sentiment.
At this time I should like to step down from my high horse…now if you want any tips on new positions or little tricks I’ve enjoyed over the years, please, ask away. I have many ideas you may like to try. I really am rather good at it.